Today, my lumpy cumquat nipples, I intend to rant and rave about two examples of artistic expression which are severely underappreciated, and in doing so, will hopefully convince you to experience them and begin showing some motherfucking respect.
But really, each to their own. I'm not going to defecate in your mouth while you sleep if you don't like them. I will, however, reserve the right to stare down my nose at you at all times and declare you an inferior life form. But you know, I do that most of the time anyway because I'm a lasciviously pretentious cunt.
Love and unicorns!


THE SLAP
by CHRISTOS TSIOLKAS

Now. I don't mean to be rude. Or to spoil your desire to read this book, or to make you sick up your dinner, but...
THIS BOOK IS SO DAMNED GOOD I WANT TO ROLL IT UP AND PROUDLY FUCK MYSELF WITH IT ON THE EDGE OF A PRECIPICE IN FULL VIEW OF EVERYONE IN THE WORLD SO THEY CAN SEE ME CUM PASSIONATELY AS THE AMAZING WORDS ON ITS FOUR HUNDRED AND EIGHTY SIX PAGES WHICH PROBABLY WON'T FIT IN MY ANUS BRING ME TO THE MOST GLORIOUS, EARTH-SHATTERING CLIMAX A LITERATURE-APPRECIATING BIBLIOPHILE HAS EVER EXPERIENCED.
Phew. No, I'm not fucking embarrassed. This book really is that amazing. Sometimes, however, when people are told how completely excellent something is they raise their expectations to ridiculous heights and thus ruin the experience for themselves. So if you are going to read 'The Slap', ignore everything I've just said and enjoy it for yourself.

Why it's underappreciated:

It's actually won several prestigious awards including the Commonwealth Writer's Prize for Best Book of 2009. So some would say it is quite appreciated. Quite appreciated indeed.
I just love it too much. I think everyone should read it, it's that good.

Here's a short review I wrote for it -

" This book is undoubtedly a masterpiece of contemporary Australian fiction. The world Christos Tsiolkas weaves with his words is incredibly detailed and filled with rich, wholesome characters whom he expertly develops throughout the story into positive role models and detestable villains.

The story follows the events leading up to, encompassing, and following, a fateful backyard BBQ where a man slaps a child that is not his own. The witnesses at what was supposed to be a friendly family affair all become affected in various ways by the social calamity, and are changed forever because of it.

Perhaps the best, and most notable element of this amazing story is the way it is structured. There are eight parts to the book, each told from a different perspective of one of the guests at the BBQ. At the beginning of each chapter it is easy to be lulled into a bias due to a character's perspective, but by the time that particular person has told their story and the next one begins, our oppinions are reversed and we begin empathising with characters we had previously hated only moments ago.

Tsiolkas artfully manipulates the way we percieve these characters, their moral viewpoints in regards to the slapping of the child and their own personal turmoils in such a way that we are forced to experience and embrace the differences that separate this group of people.

Tsiolkas's story is a magnificent triumph of the written word that successfully conveys the fragility of the middle class spirit and their associated fears. It emotionally stimulated me in a way which no other book has ever done in my life.
I challenge anyone to read 'The Slap' and not be moved by it. "

I've converted one scene from this book into a script for the stage to direct as part of my assessment for uni.
I'm also considering adapting it into a complete screenplay. I think it would be amazing as an eight-part television series...even though Tsiolkas himself is a screenwriter and is probably already in the process of doing this. Sigh!


EVEN COWGIRLS GET THE BLUES (1993)
directed by GUS VAN SANT

Remember Gus? Elephant...Good Will Hunting...Finding Forrester...yeah. Classics. Recently he did Paranoid Park...pretty prolific director. One of my favourites too. WELL dear children, before all that, he made a little feature film called 'Even Cowgirls Get The Blues' with a star-studded cast including Uma Thurman, John Hurt, Keanu Reeves and Crispin Glover.
Wow, with that sort of star power it MUST be amazing, you gush like a typical Hollywood-reered pop-vomiting mainstreamer. Well it is, but not because of the celebrities behind it...regardless of it being a critical and commercial failure. That's right, FAILURE. That's right, CRITICAL and COMMERCIAL.
Hm. I suppose it's what's to be expected of a neo-feminist psychedelic lesbian western.
Get it now?
Yeah, the film is crazy. Completely surreal. Uma Thurman plays Sissy Hankshaw, a typical southern gal with only one flaw. Well, two, technically. She has abnormally large mutated thumbs. Rejected by society and unable to find a secure occupation, she turns her strange handicap into a boon by becoming the world's best hitchhiker. The story is kind of too ludicrous to explain clearly, but basically Sissy becomes the model for a flambouyant transvestite known only as "The Countess" and her cosmetics company. Sissy is sent to work at The Countess's strange health spa called The Rubber Rose Ranch where she meets a crazy time-travelling Chinaman who thinks he is an American Indian. She also encounters Bonanza Jellybean, a lesbian cowgirl, whose gang is planning to take the Ranch by force in order to protect a flock of endangered birds. Sissy ends up falling in love and having sex with Bonanza (turns out those thumbs were good for something other than hitchhiking afterall) and helping the gang seize the ranch in a strange attack involving all the cowgirls exposing their unwashed vaginas to the staff and it's occupants - instantly repelling them.
That's basically the crux of it. I'm not going to ruin anything else for you in case you ever do get the chance to see this little gem of a film. With strong controversial themes of homosexual acceptance and the raw, life-giving power of femininity, it's a wonder this film ever got the go ahead. I suppose the producers were lucky so many stars felt like doing something absurd and provocative. That, and KD Lang agreeing to compose an absolutely fantastic soundtrack. Yes, just when you thought this movie couldn't get more any more lesbian, there's KD Lang on a guitar with a short-cropped hairdo wearing denim overalls and a straw hat.

Why it's underappreciated:

Nobody likes it. Critics fucking hated it. There are a few who've opened their minds to the psychedelic tour-de-force of dreamlike imagery that pummels the viewer from the moment this film begins, but not nearly enough in my oppinion. I could watch it over and over. Whilst viewing 'Even Cowgirls Get The Blues' for the first time, it would be wise to remain open-minded. This is a film that doesn't attempt to explicitly entertain it's audience, which is why I think a lot of people felt offended having viewed it. 'How dare a movie not entertain me! What the fuck is this shit!' Little do these shallow people realise, there once was a time when cinema was not entirely restricted by the popular constraints of modern Hollywood, where films exist solely for the purpose of making money. There once was a time when cinema was considered an art form. I don't think people completely understand that this film is, in many respects, an art film, despite its star-studded cast. Of course, art cinema is still alive and well, it is just much less prominent and accepted by the general public then it once was. Mostly because the genre of the moving image, the magic of film, has ceased to fascinate us. Now we need the gamut of hyperactive action sequences, explosions, special effects and other associated Michael Bay-esque garbage to keep us interested. I guess I'm just old at heart.

For everyone that has an appreciation for good, artistically executed, original and thought-provoking cinema, I urge you to see 'Even Cowgirls Get The Blues'. Oh, also, if you didn't realise when reading the plot synopsis, it's pretty funny...in a warped kind of way.